Out of The Hole

Selfie by Author

I’ve been in a deep, dark depression hole since early August. Maybe even a bit before.

August 13th was not only my wedding anniversary, but also 1 year since I had a spot of skin cancer removed from under my eye.

A little over a year ago I started having mystery nausea and barfing episodes. I saw every doctor and was poked and prodded in ways that would make the gray aliens proud.

I finally got a diagnosis, had a polyp removed, and medication adjusted.

I’m fine now. Gaining weight even (which is not necessarily a good thing). My body doesn’t ache on a daily basis. And I sheep early and through the night.

Most of my issues were, in fact, medication related. The docs started messing with my sleep medications by unprescribing and represcribing various antidepressants. I ran out of one medication and started taking another.

I didn’t read the box warning on the Trazadone prescription. If I had, I may have been able to avoid shooting myself in the head (I missed) and a 2 week hospital stay.

I may have been able to avoid the deep hole I’ve found myself in. It feels like I’ve been down here for years. I’ve been down here so long it has become comfortable. Alone. In the dark.

But the light must shine. A few months after the hospital stay I feel confident medication is once again working. Medication shines the light in my hole. Therapy is the hard part of digging myself out of it.

My therapist says she thinks I am less stressed. This is news to me. I’m still down in the hole, you see. It’s just no longer dark. The light is shining. There is nowhere to hide and I can see how bleak and lonely it looks down here.

I’m working on kicking some footholds into the walls of the depression hole. I’ll be climbing out soon!

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