I was just remembering the time I fucked a drummer and he gave me crabs. And when I was hanging out with him in the loft of a huge, empty warehouse where after hours parties were held, the cops raided the joint and I got put in the back of an honest-to-goodnesd paddy wagon.
I had to throw my bag down to the cops before I could climb down the ladder from the loft. When I got down, a plainclothes detective thrust a polaroid photo in my face and asked if I was the woman depicted in it. The woman, who looked nothing like me, was in the process of being fist fucked. All I could see was the heavily tattooed forearm of the guy I assume was the real target of the raid.
I was told to sit in a chair with my hands zip tied behind my back. I asked if I could go pee. I really did have to go. The answer was NO.
A little while later I asked again. The uniformed, male cop (they were all male except the woman who searched my purse but I don’t remember her after that) finally took pity on me. For some reason I told him I was pregnant. He waited to know why, if I was pregnant (I wasn’t), I was hanging about in an afterhours party warehouse. I was honest. I told him, “because I’m fucking the drummer.”
I never got to go pee.
I was carted off to the local Hollywood cop shop where I gave them my real name and address.
When they asked if I used drugs I got all wide-eyed. I told them I had tried drugs in high school (true), but didn’t even smoke pot (true). When they asked if I knew anyone who did drugs I got wider-eyed and mentioned, ” Well my dad smokes a little pot.” Before they could ask another questing I sputtered, Ohh my God! Is my dad going to get in trouble?”
This whole thing was, to me, an obvious act but I was having fun doing it. True I tried drugs in highschool. Tried ’em and liked ’em and was, at that time (the 1990s) still using them. True, I didn’t smoke pot. Mainly because there was harder stuff available for the taking. Why bother with pot when there’s heroin to be had? True, my dad smoked pot, but the cups didn’t seem to interested in weed.
They took my picture and photocopied my driver license and released me into the wild.
A couple days later I discovered the crabs.